Identity Crisis: Part Two

So there’s been a lot going on in my world and none of it seems to be happening to me (WAHHH).  So I last night I found myself having a bit of a Mom Crisis/Breakdown. Everyone I know is having babies (and let me tell you, I can’t get too close because I know for a fact that that Baby Fever is catchy), my friends are buying and selling their homes, my teacher friends are enjoying their last few weeks of summer vacation as they embark on a new school year, Andrew just started a new job, AND the teaching job that I loved (pre-Baby T) and was “the job” just posted.

I am jealous of a lot of the great things my friends are experiencing (I’ll own that) and feel really strange about “the job” posting. I can’t really qualify it as anything other than strange because I know it is totally unfeasible (financially) to even consider applying/accepting this job (yeah, I know, in my mind I am a rock star and this position is locked down before I even click send on the application).

Here’s where it gets a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs–I was just exploring the option of home-schooling because I am fully aware that public education is a broken political machine (but let’s leave that be for another post).  That concept (homeschooling) and going back to work really don’t jive since they are on completely opposite sides of the spectrum!

I don’t mean to sound like a total whiny d-bag, saying I do but I don’t want to go back to work and I don’t need to work (yeah, I know what I sound like—ugh I hate myself!) I have a choice but sacrifices will be made either way—so please don’t get me wrong.

My husband is (as always) very supportive saying it’s my choice, which is great and not so great, because I needed some advice. Actually, I wanted him to talk me out of it (applying that is). He refused (smart man) and went to sleep. So I reached out to a few of my mom friends knowing that I would be able to work out my real feelings by either defending or agreeing with their advice/position.

Turns out I don’t really want to go back to work, but instead I am like a tantrum-throwing toddler and if I can’t have “the job” then no one should! What a tool, right? But also, I feel like because in my heart I know this job is just out of reach I can idealize it—see the whole experience through rose-colored glasses. There is no doubt that the position was really an amazing school, great curriculum, awesome team, etc. However, if I really LOVED teaching shouldn’t I be looking for THE JOB elsewhere—as in, oh, 70 miles closer to my house?

Despite the “awesome-ness” of this job—I can’t say that I would be 100% comfortable with having to leave Baby T in extended day care, plus deal with the balance of work and home, and the financial would be a wash. I would be working to pay for daycare, gas and school supplies, plus spend a grueling 2 1/2 hours in the car every day assuming there was no traffic—so it would be for purely personal reasons (fulfillment) that I would choose to apply/take this position. I’ve always said that not working agrees with me—and I am serious. I know a lot of fantastic moms who are extremely work driven and that works for them and their family. They are real-life rock stars. I’m not sure working motherhood would suit me. I get overly emotionally invested in my students, school drama, etc. and am not sure that I would really be able to have a great work-to-life balance. I willingly admit I am not good at that.

Duh, Mom, stop doubting yourself!  This is working for us!

Duh, Mom, stop doubting yourself! This is working for us!

I think my strange-ness about this job posting was a combination of “what if’s”, “the grass is always greener” and reminiscing. Make sense? I knew I was getting worked up over nothing when a mom suggested I apply and see what happened—I thought well that’s just silly because I would be wasting their time interviewing—uh duh, “here’s your sign”. It’s an awkward limbo I keep finding myself in somewhere between loving being a mom and wanting to be just Mrs. Thompson or even Kayla. Yep—I’m still adjusting to this Mompson thing and trying to make it make sense and work for my family.

Anyone else have any experience with this?

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