***So this is what I wrote during my radio silence!***
So we’ve been kicking around the idea of having another baby for a while now–and we’ve finally decided to start trying! We don’t really have any idea what to expect because Baby T was a wonderful surprise. Truth be told, we aren’t sure how we will handle the process of “trying”–the anticipation may be enough to just stress me the heck out! We worked through all the details of the clinical stuff (ie: ovulation window, etc.) and we gave it the good ole’ college try but now the waiting is absolutely KILLING ME. In fact, I am having phantom pregnancy symptoms because I clearly want this so badly.
I informed my husband that regardless of the answer on the pee stick come next week I will undoubtedly cry and freak out. I hate to admit it but when the second line appeared on Baby T’s pregnancy test I literally burst into tears, apologized to my husband and said “Our life is ruined”. Don’t get me wrong. I was married, we were in a comfortable (enough) financial position, etc. BUT I am a planner–and this just wasn’t in the foreseeable plan.
God has a funny sense of humor. Just when you think you have control over your life he pulls the rug out from underneath you with a big hearty “PSYCH!” That has been the truth of my marriage since day one. Two weeks after our wedding we packed everything we owned up and moved 2000 miles away from everyone we knew for a position my husband couldn’t refuse, in November I signed the paperwork to accept my very first teaching job in this new state only to discover I signed on the day before news of a sex scandal broke (I wish I was kidding), my school’s charter was revoked toward the end of the year, I got a new job and started this new job (which wasn’t what was in the job description) and my husband’s company closed abruptly. He packed up and headed back to New England and I followed a month later. He signed on at a new up-and-coming game studio that was backed by the state, eleven months later we had a baby! When Baby T was four months old we went on vacation and came home to a company who hadn’t paid anyone’s paychecks but prompted people to come into work because it would be “okay”. We found out our health care was to be terminated with less than 24 hours notice, was never paid two full paychecks or vacation time, and within days the company closed its doors. 401ks were locked up due to it being involved with a government audit, we lost everything (including moving out of our apartment) and continued to hemorrhage money and drain our savings. Thanks to our families we were able to stay above filing for bankruptcy but spent 8 months in my 11X13 childhood bedroom with Baby T less than two feet from the foot of our bed. It’s been one nightmare after the next but somehow with the help and support of our family and friends we’ve persevered.
We are finally back on our feet and in control and I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because of this, we have been a little apprehensive to even discuss having another child. We want to do things on our terms, the way we want to do them and we finally feel like we might have control over this and I love it but I also hate it. I feel like it would be a thousand times easier for it to have just happened for us–relieve us of the responsibility of making the decision to TRY–talk about pressure.
In the meantime, we are in a new state and thus will have to seek new prenatal care–so my mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure out what route we want to take and how we will handle said decision. Unfortunately, I fall into the minority category, at least for my current social circles, and would love to pursue a natural waterbirth with a mid-wife. However, the only places that offer that are in the city (over 30 minutes away). As a way to cope and plan, I like to gather information as much as I can and make as many decisions ahead of time as possible. My logic is this: I don’t want to find out I am pregnant and be scrambling to find a provider and I am not super into shopping around. I like to digest information and decide immediately. It’s sort of a complex that I have.
Thus, aside from the actually “trying” (wiggly eyebrows, you know what I’m saying), I am trying to gather as much as I can about local hospitals, care providers, new products, along with your typical conception research. I am determined to have some type of plan and make my birth experience (hopefully) markably different that with Baby T’s.
Don’t get me wrong, he is healthy and perfect and wonderful and I get that some moms think that’s all that matter but to me it isn’t–there were things that were decided for me that I had no say in that I should of–two words: unmedicated episiotomy. Yeah. I shit you not. I had two IVs, one which I tried to refuse but was too scared to stand up for myself and my provider was not an advocate for my wishes. It was a very “me” against “them” experience and I am determined that that will NOT happen again. The choices that were made for me made it literally hard to care for my son the first few days of life (ie: bruised/swollen arms from numerous “sticks”, and a broken wrist IV) and that was NOT and is STILL NOT acceptable to me. (If you’re thinking about hating on my birth experience read this and reconsider.)
So in the interim of waiting to get about a dozen positive pregnancy tests (don’t fault me for liking to be sure!) this is what has been rambling through my mind–I’ll try to grab some control in a truly uncontrollable experience, empower myself with knowledge and take deep soothing breaths while trying to convince myself to relax.
Here’s to an interesting journey!
Update: We are currently pregnant, due May 2014.
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