The Ramblings of a “Trying” Control Freak

***So this is what I wrote during my radio silence!***

So we’ve been kicking around the idea of having another baby for a while now–and we’ve finally decided to start trying!  We don’t really have any idea what to expect because Baby T was a wonderful surprise.  Truth be told, we aren’t sure how we will handle the process of “trying”–the anticipation may be enough to just stress me the heck out!  We worked through all the details of the clinical stuff (ie: ovulation window, etc.) and we gave it the good ole’ college try but now the waiting is absolutely KILLING ME.  In fact, I am having phantom pregnancy symptoms because I clearly want this so badly.

I informed my husband that regardless of the answer on the pee stick come next week I will undoubtedly cry and freak out.  I hate to admit it but when the second line appeared on Baby T’s pregnancy test I literally burst into tears, apologized to my husband and said “Our life is ruined”.  Don’t get me wrong.  I was married, we were in a comfortable (enough) financial position, etc. BUT I am a planner–and this just wasn’t in the foreseeable plan.

God has a funny sense of humor.  Just when you think you have control over your life he pulls the rug out from underneath you with a big hearty “PSYCH!”  That has been the truth of my marriage since day one.  Two weeks after our wedding we packed everything we owned up and moved 2000 miles away from everyone we knew for a position my husband couldn’t refuse, in November I signed the paperwork to accept my very first teaching job in this new state only to discover I signed on the day before news of a sex scandal broke (I wish I was kidding), my school’s charter was revoked toward the end of the year, I got a new job and started this new job (which wasn’t what was in the job description) and my husband’s company closed abruptly.  He packed up and headed back to New England and I followed a month later.  He signed on at a new up-and-coming game studio that was backed by the state, eleven months later we had a baby!  When Baby T was four months old we went on vacation and came home to a company who hadn’t paid anyone’s paychecks but prompted people to come into work because it would be “okay”.  We found out our health care was to be terminated with less than 24 hours notice, was never paid two full paychecks or vacation time, and within days the company closed its doors.  401ks were locked up due to it being involved with a government audit, we lost everything (including moving out of our apartment) and continued to hemorrhage money and drain our savings.  Thanks to our families we were able to stay above filing for bankruptcy but spent 8 months in my 11X13 childhood bedroom with Baby T less than two feet from the foot of our bed.  It’s been one nightmare after the next but somehow with the help and support of our family and friends we’ve persevered.

We are finally back on our feet and in control and I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Because of this, we have been a little apprehensive to even discuss having another child.  We want to do things on our terms, the way we want to do them and we finally feel like we might have control over this and I love it but I also hate it.  I feel like it would be a thousand times easier for it to have just happened for us–relieve us of the responsibility of making the decision to TRY–talk about pressure.

In the meantime, we are in a new state and thus will have to seek new prenatal care–so my mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure out what route we want to take and how we will handle said decision.  Unfortunately, I fall into the minority category, at least for my current social circles, and would love to pursue a natural waterbirth with a mid-wife.  However, the only places that offer that are in the city (over 30 minutes away). As a way to cope and plan, I like to gather information as much as I can and make as many decisions ahead of time as possible.  My logic is this: I don’t want to find out I am pregnant and be scrambling to find a provider and I am not super into shopping around.  I like to digest information and decide immediately.  It’s sort of a complex that I have.

Thus, aside from the actually “trying” (wiggly eyebrows,  you know what I’m saying), I am trying to gather as much as I can about local hospitals, care providers, new products, along with your typical conception research.  I am determined to have some type of plan and make my birth experience (hopefully) markably different that with Baby T’s.

Don’t get me wrong, he is healthy and perfect and wonderful and I get that some moms think that’s all that matter but to me it isn’t–there were things that were decided for me that I had no say in that I should of–two words: unmedicated episiotomy.  Yeah.  I shit you not.  I had two IVs, one which I tried to refuse but was too scared to stand up for myself and my provider was not an advocate for my wishes.  It was a very “me” against “them” experience and I am determined that that will NOT happen again.  The choices that were made for me made it literally hard to care for my son the first few days of life (ie: bruised/swollen arms from numerous “sticks”, and a broken wrist IV) and that was NOT and is STILL NOT acceptable to me. (If you’re thinking about hating on my birth experience read this and reconsider.)

So in the interim of waiting to get about a dozen positive pregnancy tests (don’t fault me for liking to be sure!) this is what has been rambling through my mind–I’ll try to grab some control in a truly uncontrollable experience, empower myself with knowledge and take deep soothing breaths while trying to convince myself to relax.

Here’s to an interesting journey!

Update: We are currently pregnant, due May 2014.

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Mompson’s Take-Away from the Crash of Flight 214

First off, let me say how saddened I am by the news of the crash of Asiana Flight 214.  I have been praying for the families of all that were and continue to be effected by this crash.  I was devastated to learn that the two reported fatalities were teenage girls headed to camp.  My heart is breaking for their families.  I always try to take something away from tragic events like this (and not necessarily things rooted in fear, ie. never traveling by plane again)–it helps me process things.

So here’s what I know-the flight was a routine flight from South Korea flying into San Francisco-no issues were reported indicating that there was any type of engine failure and the crash was seemingly UNEXPECTED–the survivors note that they were issued NO WARNING before crash-the plane crashed, the tail broke off, the plane spun and was ignited in flames

When I had heard about the crash, the fatalities had yet to be reported.  My first thoughts aside from being horrified was this is why Baby T will be in a car seat when we fly.   Continue reading

In the Playroom: Our Kids are Consumers of “Real Life”

So let’s talk about Canadian Photographer, Jonathan Hobin and his series of photographs “In the Playroom”.  For the back story first check out the video from Yahoo. Then, if you dare to peek at the images scroll to the bottom of the page after the article to view the slideshow or check them out here on Design Boom.  Long story short: children are posing “playing” re-enactments of current (over the last 50 years) tragic events.

Upon first look, I am disturbed.  That’s it.  That’s all I feel. Disturbed. Which is scary and makes me think I have been desensitized–then I remember the real fear I had when Suspect #2 in the Boston Bombings was on the loose–and I feel better(?).

The video shows the photo of the 9-11 re-enactment and I think “wow that’s messed up”.  Then, it glosses over the Kim Jong Il photo and I think “that’s pretty tame” (meh).   Finally, I take a close look at the entire gallery of photos (at the bottom of the page) and am flooded by a whole slew of emotions.  The first thing that comes to mind is “this is sick–really sick”.  The second thing that comes to mind is “this is real life”. Continue reading

Abercrombie & B*tch

So let’s talk about Mark Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch and his “controversial” statements.  Check out the link to Elite Daily if you need the back story.

As someone who’s been bigger than her peers her whole life—I have to say kudos to Abercrombie CEO Mark Jeffries for finally admitting what I feel like I’ve known all along.  (Note: That’s not to say this guy is not a total jerk because he is–how dare correlate how “cool” or “beautiful” someone is with their clothing size–but this is the world we live in.)

Let’s tackle the hardest part of this for me first: No teenager should ever be pressured to shop in a store that calls their sales associates “models” surrounded by billboard sized ads of topless models laying on each other to show off the…jeans?  Seriously?  The brand is marketed at college kids but worn by tweens for God’s sake—and all I have to say is WTF? What parent said “Yes, this is acceptable.  Please let me bring my 13 year old in here to buy your overpriced polos and stanky overbearing cologne”.

Now back to the issue of Jeffries truthful and hurtful statement (please note his words are only hurtful if you give them power).  Continue reading